For Immediate Release: Stardate 87059.45, Earth year 2507, Earth month January, Earth day 20 –
After what fans, journalists and Andorians alike perceived to be the legitimately final go-around on their supposedly last tour, infamous Earth music project Mötley Crüe has recently announced that from Stardate 87070.5 to Stardate 87153.60, they will be heading out on another universe-wide tour, the 1,063rd leg of what’s been dubbed ‘The Final Tour’ since its inception in Earth year 2014. The tour will kick off on the band’s home-planet at The Viper Holodeck in Hollywood, New California, and will be concluding at The Human in West Mercury.
The band reflects on the past 492 Earth years of ‘The Final Tour’. “Yeah, man, this has been a crazy ride for us,” Lead guitarist Mick Mars told Uranus Stardately. “We thought our ride was over in the early 2010’s. We just weren’t pulling crowds like we used to. The only people who’d ever come to see us were out-of-touch dads who thought we were the shit back in 1985, and their 10-year-old sons that would grow up to start their own god-awful hard rock bands. So we decided that enough was enough, and decided to call our 2014-2015 tour ‘The Final Tour’, and had plans to retire after that. But then we started selling out concerts everywhere on Earth on this tour, and we were getting attention from all of the music publications at the time making a huge deal out of these being our last dates ever.”
“Yeah, pretty much what he said,” Lead bassist Nikki Sixx elaborates. “So then after 2015 ended and we’d annually made about twice as much money as Belgium, I went to Vince and I was like, ‘What the fuck, why don’t we extend this tour to 2016 and see how long we can keep this cash-cow alive?’ We weren’t really planning on beating it for as long as we have, but as we started broadening our horizons, playing our first shows on Venus, getting an influx of demands to play Pluto and other places near it, we decided it’d be foolish to end it here, and after we all received our upgraded cyborg bodies a few hundred Stardates ago, we decided there’d be no better opportunity to completely cheat gullible people out of hundreds of dollars to see our ‘final’ performance in their area… oh fuck, you aren’t publishing this, are you?”
Of the many planets in our Solar System the Earth music collective will be touring, the only one they won’t be landing on is Neptune, much to the outrage of many of its citizens, whom have been very vocal in their disappointment. “Zrx b vאָלֶף־ tppq, ζζpyς…” one angered Neptunian Mötley Crüe fan told the Chicago Star-Times. “মার্চ মা rbletvvq یشو!”
If you don’t manage to catch Mötley Crüe live on this interplanetary leg of ‘The Final Tour’, don’t worry, you’ll be able to catch Mötley Crüe again in just a few hundred Stardates following the end of this leg, when the band announces the 1,064th leg of this tour, or a few hundred Stardates after that for their 1,065th, or after that, or after that… Until then, though, tickets are purchasable here, and vary by your native planet.
Until next time,
Keep Earth Rock Alive PR,
Signing out –
(Author’s note: Mötley Crüe is coming to Tacoma, Washington, Portland, Oregon and Boise, Idaho on their current string of dates on ‘The “””””””””””””””Final”””””””””””””””” Tour’ this year. You can find out more information about the real deal here.)